NZPA release 01 November 2009
Further tensions in the LPGNZF Coalition Government were exposed recently when two cabinet ministers came to physical blows over defence policy.
According to sources who spoke to the NZPA under conditions of anonymity, Minister of Defence, Keith Locke, pre-empted what appeared to be an impending right-hook from former Army Captain Ron Mark, by quickly grabbing one of his prized protest placards from his ministerial office wall and clobbered Mr Mark over the head.
According to sources, for Mr Mark it was the final straw, in which cabinet approved Mr Locke’s recommendations to replace the NZ Army’s standard issue assault rifle, the Steyr 5.56mm, with the AK-47 and to replace the NZLAVIII’s M242 25mm Bushmaster Cannon with a water cannon.
Earlier in the day, Mr Locke announced to the press gallery that “the LAVIII is highly symbolic of the New Zealand Government and people’s commitment of bringing peace to the region. With the recently announced deployment of yellow painted LAV’s to Timor Leste and the Solomon Islands, cabinet agreed with my recommendation that the water cannon would be more appropriate for crowd control and deterrence, should tensions escalate. A 25mm cannon is most inappropriate for our peace-keepers, as it presents an image of war mongering and may be construed as too aggressive by the locals”. The Defence Minister agreed that the NZ Army & LAV’s should be able to have some form of self-defence, especially as not all rebel high-powered rifles had been accounted for, so has agreed that the LAV’s turret mounted MAG58 7.62mm machine gun would remain. “Of course I would not put NZ troops at risk” commented Mr Locke, “should the forces encounter any problems, I have asked that the LAV commander pop his head out from the safety of his enclosed turret, put on a friendly smile and ask the locals if everything is ok. If he sees the locals with a gun tucked into his trousers, the commander will advise that “we come in peace” by demonstrating that the MAG58 is unloaded. If a stand off develops, the commander will then, with help from an interpreter if necessary, advise the local that if he doesn’t back off and put their weapon down, the commander will be forced to have a second crew member pop up from another hatch and wave an ammunition belt for the MAG58 above his head. If the threat level increases, the second crew member will very slowly, as not to antagonise the situation, feed the ammunition belt into the MAG58 machine gun. Once he does that, he is to then inform the local that he will be radioing me personally for approval to fire a warning shot. I tell you, I am a very peaceful guy, but I trust my commanders on the ground and I will issue an order via sat-phone to fire a warning shot if necessary”. Mr Locke refused to elaborate what would happen next if the locals still did not comply “sorry I won’t be revealing our rules of engagement to the media thank you very much!”.
Sources close to Ron Mark, advise that tensions between him and Defence Minister Locke had been building for some months now. Under the Coalition agreement to form the Government, Ron Mark was forcibly appointed as Minister of Disarmament, and was recently forced by Cabinet to negotiate the selling of the RNZN’s ANZAC Frigates to Venezuela for the symbolic cost of $1US dollar. In return, the Minister of Trade and the Minister of Defence proudly announced that not only would NZ sever its oil imports from the Middle East (a spokesperson for Mr Locke said off-the-record that the Minister was proud that NZ would not have to get its hands dirty relying on supporting imperialist US Foreign Policy in the Middle East, that we would no longer need to send NZ Frigates and Orions to support coalition efforts in the Gulf Region and that instead NZ would offer to be peace brokers), but instead NZ had signed a thirty year agreement to source “much cheaper” oil from Venezuela as part of the ANZAC sale agreement.
This was a controversial move that caused the Government some embarrassment when the President of Venezuela, Mr Hugo Chavez, was reported on Fox News to have antagonised the US Administration by proclaiming “see you imperialistic yankee dogs, what we have bought for 1 US dollar, this is the value of your soldiers lives should you dare threaten us with invasion!”.
Another of Disarmament Minister Mark’s tasks was to fulfil the Cabinet agreement to offer the RNZAF’s new NH-90 helicopters to the Afghanistan Government. At the time of the announcement Defence Minster Locke hosted a joint press conference with an incredulous and beaming Afghan Defence Minister, who hugged Mr Locke so much with gratitude that Diplomatic Protection Staff were visibly uneasy and were preparing to intervene. “NZ must get out of Afghanistan and let the locals sort out their own problems. They don’t need Westerners telling them what to do! But it is important that NZ contribute to the stability of the region and we will do so by gifting our resources, and all NZ taxpayers can be proud of donating NZ$1B worth of helicopters to the Afghans, so that they can do things for themselves. When the time comes to replace the NH-90’s in another thirty years (or sooner if there are mishaps) I’m sure all NZ’ers will share my sentiments that ‘hey, we will be there for you and your people to do so again, Mr Afghan Defence Minister’. A small RNZAF contingent will train the Afghans and upon completion of their mission, the RNZAF crews will return to NZ and be disbanded” said Mr Locke at the time.
Disarmament Minister Ron Mark had chalked up some successes though against Mr Locke in apparently other fiery Cabinet meetings. Sources close to Mr Mark say that he successfully persuaded Cabinet to rule against Mr Locke’s proposal to offer the RNZAF Orions to Afghanistan when Mr Mark pointed out that Afghanistan was a land-locked country and would need “Orions as much as Keith would like my boot firmly planted up your backside mate”.
Prime Minister Helen Clark downplayed the latest controversy saying it was nothing to worry about and things had become overblown in the media. “Move along” she said with a chuckle, “there’s nothing to see here, at least a 4 headed Hydra Coalition Government has more brain power than the Opposition. Apparently the leader of the Opposition couldn’t tie his shoelaces till he was 18! Ha ha, imagine trusting him to run the country, he probably still needs his Deputy to tie his laces in case he fell over!” The Prime Minister then said as she would talk no further on the issue, instead issuing a press release from her Co-Deputy Prime Ministers’ Jim Anderton, Jeanette Fitzsimons, Russel Norman and Winston Peters saying there were no tensions between Mr Locke and Mark and both were committed to working together for the common cause.
Yesterday Investigate Magazine Editor, Ian Wishart, “a creep of a journalist” according to the Prime Minister, dropped a bomb-shell by concluding that the signatures on the Co-Deputy Prime Minister’s media statement were forgeries, demanded to know if the PM did them and demanded to know why the Press Release was removed from Government websites.
A spokesperson for Margret Wilson and Partners Communications, the company that won a controversial contract this year to provide all external communication and media services on behalf of the Government with external stakeholders such as mainstream media and the public discredited Investigate Magazine saying they “were poodles of those dark and dangerous right wing elements found in the darkest corners of this great nation”. When asked about the AK-47 decision to replace the Steyr’s, the spokesperson said that although Mr Locke was a Pacifist, in order to better understand the workings of the NZ Army, and in a compromise reached with Mr Mark, the Army was asked to provide some time to Mr Locke on the Army shooting range at Trentham Camp, on how to safely use and operate an AK-47. When we tried to talk to Mr Locke’s office to confirm this, a spokesperson for Mr Locke’s office said “he was taking some well deserved training, sorry I meant time-out” in the Urewera Ranges “with some like minded friends” and would be “unavailable for a few days”.
Defence Satire
