Experienced terrorists are hard to find
discarded copy of a memo was found in a waste bin outside a small strip mall near Islamabad:
Middle East Headhunters, Inc.
MEMORANDUM - Urgent!! TO: All infield executive recruiters
RE: Top executive position
A leading regional terrorist organization is looking to fill its number two spot. This well known group has experienced great success over the last two decades but recently has fallen on hard times. In order to maintain its triple-A terrorist rating, it needs to shake up its top executive structure.
Due to a number of recent unexpected deployments and premature martyrdoms, this position must be filled immediately. The second-in-command spot only recently became available because of the unexpectedly rapid departure of the incumbent. Apparently he did not give the required two weeks notice and did not even leave a forwarding address.
Our client is looking for an experienced terrorist skilled in all areas of clandestine fighting and mass destruction. The ideal candidate will have received at least one year of terrorist training in a remote Middle Eastern location. Preferably the candidate will also have 10 or more years of on-site experience in terrorist-related activities. Useful skills include the use of a wide array of weaponry as well as the ability to persuade others to become weapons.
Recent attempts to fill this position from within the organization have been unsuccessful as too many mid-level members have reportedly fulfilled their mandates by blowing themselves up. Ironically, the organization seems to be a victim of its own success. Rather than rethink their modus operandi, however, those in charge still prefer to guide their recruitment by their original motto: "Our people are our most important weapons."
The successful candidate will be highly motivated and highly mobile. Those not willing to relocate on a regular basis need not apply. With regional offices in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia, Yemen and Iraq, the incumbent is expected to move often although he will be rewarded with first class unmotorized nighttime travel and generous frequent mountain pass miles.
He (not "she" as our client is not yet an equal opportunity employer, at least at its senior levels) will have his own private armory and bulletproof wardrobe. The ability to travel at night and live in caves is a definite asset. Unmanned drone-avoidance skills are not mandatory but are highly desirable.
This organization has, in recent years, expanded to several new territories and is known for its rapid promotion of employees. Although it is not known when the current CEO Ayman al-Zawahiri will relinquish his post, it is expected to be sooner rather than later.
Full medical and dental benefits are included. A pension plan for those who reach the age of 65 is available although, to date, has not been used. A generous severance package comprising 72 virgins is reportedly still in effect.
Please have potential candidates reply in confidence to our Islamabad office using encrypted messaging only. All qualified applicants will be considered although preference will be given to those with full beards and vowel-laden names, particularly the letter "a." No Americans or infidels please.
